Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
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THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Oops I deleted….
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
How I like cutting carbs
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help