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Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Thank you corporation very cool
This headline is a thing of beauty
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg