Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
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Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”