I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
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I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts