Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
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The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.