I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
You Might Also Like
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.