Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
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pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
What about a To-Don’t List?
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested