*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
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Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.