Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
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Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm