I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
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Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…