I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
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Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
This fish is cracking me up
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?