I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
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My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.