Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
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Running your mouth is not cardio.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
The human personality is made of five key elements
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
same bro
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?