Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
You Might Also Like
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.