You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
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Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me