You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
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Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.