You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
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“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
[dog dies in a movie]
[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
ME: I love you
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.