(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
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[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.