*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
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I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
That’s it.I’m out.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.