My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
You Might Also Like
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
this will hang in the louvre one day
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.