@Mainstream_Man

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

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@JermHimselfish

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

@robyn_vo

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

@MILFWEEED

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

@EWWWYUCKY

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.

@internetluke

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

@MyMomologue

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

@AimeeHelene1

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)

@rn_murse

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

@DocAtCDI

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

@causticbob

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”