Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

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When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.


I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.


how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day


When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.


*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”



Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back


“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)


i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony


Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!


A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”