Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
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My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year