@Mainstream_Man
@JermHimselfish When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
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@JermHimselfish 
@robyn_vo I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
@MILFWEEED how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
@EWWWYUCKY When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
@internetluke *hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
@MyMomologue Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
@AimeeHelene1 “Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
@rn_murse i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
@DocAtCDI Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
@causticbob A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”