Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
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When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)