Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
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How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.