I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
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It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you