That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
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“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I don’t get marriage
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.