Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
You Might Also Like
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents