What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
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This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Oh my God.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.