What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
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Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!