I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
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if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
and this one
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.