Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
You Might Also Like
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Lucky for them, they’re cute
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?