gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
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My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)