Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
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i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Lmao
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
My flabber has been gasted.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals