Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life

Lmbo

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

THE AUDACITY. 😤

Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.