Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
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My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
New Tinder profile.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.