[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
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It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
5 ways to appear taller
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”