My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
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mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Put a ring on it
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best