mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
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“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
what’s more important?
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”