1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
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Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Breaking news:
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.