I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
You Might Also Like
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
This hospital has everything
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf