The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
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LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.