don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.