So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
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[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…