I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
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Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Fight
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
how much for the angry fruit?
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]