I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
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Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Can Happiness buy money?
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.