Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
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Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Krampus.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm