Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
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“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.