Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
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Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair