MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
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Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
58.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!