80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
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Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”