According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
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Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
OH. COME. ON.