The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
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TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Twitter remains undefeated
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.