@MollySneed

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

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@TheCheish

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

@mommajessiec

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

@murrman5

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

@Tommytoughstuff

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

@OllyiConic

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

@Crutnacker

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

@goodgrief_rats

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

@4SLars

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

@UtilityLimb

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE