I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
You Might Also Like
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance