Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
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A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Did my cat write this
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Super Hand Dog Face
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god